I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
