I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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