how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
