Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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