Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
