On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
