my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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