what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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