so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
