Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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