shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Randomize
