He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You can't motorboat a personality
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
