If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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