i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
