Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Randomize
