I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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