For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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