Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
