my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
