you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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