nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
