Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
