he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
