remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
