I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Randomize
