I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
