Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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