I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".