I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
was it more than 30 minutes?
then you're in a relationship
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
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you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
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I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.