my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
