You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
