omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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