My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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