Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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