the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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