The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
