wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
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His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
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This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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