Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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