Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
