So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
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I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
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He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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