I think my vagina is haunted
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
No...this little piggys going to the bar
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
