Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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