he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
