I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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