just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
is it fun? or sober?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
