my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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