Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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