Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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