the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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