if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
