I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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