So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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