I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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