My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize