I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
