At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
