well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She even gives head with a lisp.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
