I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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