drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
