I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
