When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
