I intend to get homeless drunk
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
