and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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