Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
