I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
